Usually at this time of year I buy a book about spiritual issues, de-junking, being more organized, or eating better. I read it and fantasize how I am going to be a better me in the coming year. I work on it for a while, then the old me sneaks back in my life, and screws up all my great planning.
I feel like I am stuck in an attitude and motivational rut and I don't know how to get out. I am eating really awful junky food. I am craving it, eating a lot of it, and feeling bad afterward. I weigh more now than I have ever weighed, except for the tail end of pregnancies. I am feeling so out of energy, so out of motivation, so tired and so... blech.
The annual "Be a Better Me" book purchase of this year is about eating better. E-book this time! Why clutter up my limited shelving? One of my de-clutter books of New Year's past had a whole chapter dealing with paper / book clutter.
This is when my semi-annual home school personal crisis happens too. It happens every August and every January. These are the times of year when my confidence in my own educational philosophy fails. We are unschooling-led. Most people don't get it, or misunderstand it. I have very specific reasons and stand behind my philosophy in every way, except for a week in August and a week or so in January, when, for some reason, I let everyone else influence my thinking. Everyone else is jabbering about curricula, worksheets, co-ops, or whatever. I sit here and I think, "My kids are insert ages and they don't know insert whatever book learnin' I wonder if they are missing out on , and they are going to be failures, or in therapy, or forever living in my camper. Because I am not doing insert cool new and different curricula. Or we don't do copy work. Or I don't make them conjugate sentences. Or write book reports. Or I let them play too many video games. Or they are reading poetry books instead of text books. Or I let them choose what they'd like to learn. Or my son's handwriting is awful and it's all my fault. Oh, shit, next year is high school! What am I doing????" And the internal dialog goes on.
I forget at these times that Archie has a job and makes and budgets his own money. He knows more about science-y topics than I ever will. All without any science textbooks. He taught himself how to play the saxophone and he knows how to build his own computer from scratch and to make repairs. I have to remind myself that Lawrence's reading level is waaaaay above his age peers. All without 'reading' curricula. And Lydia loves writing (without handwriting textbooks) and is finally turning the corner on her reading and she has an aptitude for art. All these great accomplishments that indicate my kids will probably be fine in spite of my insecurities go straight out of my head during August and January.
I really do want to eat better and feel better. I am really interested in not letting my life get too busy for my creative outlets, my friends, and my family. I am really interested in being a better wife and mother. I really want to make time to enjoy nature and other activities which make me feel closer to God. I really want my small space on the planet to be tidy and well-organized. I want all of this for 2016.
So, come on, regular non-holiday life. Hurry back, confidence. I don't know how much more self-doubt I can take.
